I just want to sleep

I let my daughter sleep with me off and on. We slept together since she was born. Mind you, she is capable of sleeping in her own bed. 99% of the time when she wakes up she leaves my bedroom and will quietly keep herself entertained. For reasons unknown to me, she decided to play the iPad in my bed. This means that she was watching YouTube videos…without her headphones…while I was supposed to be asleep. When the battery was too low, she asked me if she could charge it. She asks because the only charging cable in the house is plugged into my cell phone. After agreeing to this, she left for the living room. But apparently the TV wasn’t working properly so she came and asked me about that too. Grrrr. I know I am a mom and that I should take care of her before myself, and I do most times. However, on weekends (it’s still my weekend today because of the holiday) I need to sleep in. On Saturday we got up early to attend Disney on Ice because my wonderful co-worker gave me tickets to see it. Let me just say that the Disney on Ice show was amazing. The acrobatics were phenomenal. Anyhow, I’m going to go enjoy my coffee while entertaining my thoughts. I hope you all have a wonderful Monday, whether you are working or not.

Hope

I had a moment of slight desperation (ok maybe more than slight) and posted on Facebook asking where all of the good single guys are. Of course a few well meaning friends said things like, “When you’re not looking, he will find you” or “Get out and be more social”. I know these things and they irritate me. One friend asked about my “type”. I had to think about what *used* to be my type and what seems to be my type as of lately. My ex-husband is tall and thin; the guys I have dated since then have been tall and husky or rugged. I used to hate beards and chest hair but have discovered that I do love them. Maybe this is the new me speaking. So without going into a list of things I want in a man (including the recently added importance of I wanted a man with some meat on his bones. I’m a big girl and like I mentioned earlier, my ex is thin. Like, turn sideways and disappear. I always felt bigger and even kinda sad because I couldn’t wear his shirts. This friend immediately had someone in mind and asked if I knew Steve (last name withheld for privacy purposes) to which I replied, nope! So after some messaging with the match-maker and swapped pictures, we were “introduced” via Facebook messenger. She had already told me that he is interested in Paganism and ghosts so I was already curious. We began “talking” and I have to say that this man sure does sound interesting to me. He communicates well by word and response time. With each new person I wonder, “Is he the one?” “Where will this take me?” “What does love feel like?” He seems promising so far and that excites and terrifies me. I honestly thought I was going to marry Mr. Cheater; he was so perfect…until I found out he wasn’t. So I am being careful but my mind is working overtime. I had a busy day yesterday with my youngest and at the end of the night Steve and I got together for drinks…at his place. He promised he would be a gentleman and I feel like I can trust him. He has been very forthcoming with me so far and why should I enter a new friendship without trust? It’s hard for me, OMG is it hard. He picked me up from my house as we had planned for me to have a wine cooler. I was nervous and needed something to calm me down but I wouldn’t put myself into a position where I was going to do something I would regret. When I got into his truck I was pleasantly surprised at how handsome he was…and his voice. OMG he has a sexy voice. You know, with some people pictures can either make you look better or worse. His pictures do not do him justice. We arrived at his apartment and I took the fact that it’s number included my favorite number as a good sign. I was surprised at his tidy non-bachelor pad apartment. This man has an eye for detail. He even accentuates with red which is something I have done in most of my previous homes. My current home is accentuated with purple because it had to be different from the house I shared with my now-ex. I’m passed it now though. He was so well behaved, he sat on the other side of the couch and we talked for about 4 hours. I have been so hungry for meaningful adult conversation that I didn’t care that it was also 4 hours passed my bedtime. I could’ve stayed all night with him. We have so many things in common, including the love for the alternate world that we belong to. There were a couple of times since we have started talking that I slipped some slightly racy comments in to test him and he behaved. After that four hour mark I was beginning to get restless so I told him he should probably take me home. He walked me to my driveway and we proceeded to chat more while picking out constellations. When the moment was right, I slid my arm around his waist and pulled him close to me. He kissed me so gently but I could sense the passion within. He placed his hand on the back of my head and held me as he kissed me. I absorbed every second of it and prayed that it was something I could let myself fully enjoy and keep. As I am typing this and reliving last night, I am warmed by the simplest of romantic acts. My heart aches for it. My desire to be with him was magnified today but I have to keep a slow pace. I’m tired of getting hurt and disappointed. Prince Charming really is difficult to find. Today consisted of more chatting and a bit of flirting. I wish it wasn’t a night that he went to work but the slow pace is good for us. I think about the things he said, the aspects of him that intrigue me. It would be really nice to live my life with someone who believed in the same things I did. I consider myself an eclectic witch; I believe in God and make my own rules. My ex was (and still is) a devout Christian. Witchcraft didn’t feel right then. Since I have lived on my own I have adopted it and continue to grow with it. Steve has me thinking of all of the possibilities, the different roads we could potentially travel down. But again, I do this each time. I carve myself up and serve me warm. Take me and do with me as you wish, just make me happy. Unfortunately not every man (it seems most of them) don’t know what to do with a kind and honest open heart. Maybe they don’t care. I know Mr. Cheater didn’t. So far, Steve has given me hope. I pray to God that this ends differently. He’s a soldier, a corrections officer and a Pagan. Perfection again. Time will tell if he is perfect within as without. Of course I know that no one is perfect. When I use that word, I use it for me. Perfect for me. I long for the gentle touch and careful caresses. The small acts of a loving heart. They mean so much to me.

Sidenote: I was in the drive-thru at McDonald’s one day and I was behind a Toyota pick up. It had a “blessed be” sticker on it. The driver was wearing a correctional officer uniform. I wondered if he was single. I wondered if I would ever find someone who walked the same path as me. I’m pretty good as “guessing” the type of vehicle that a person drives although I am not always accurate. This needs continual developing. But I knew Steve drove a smaller pickup. Then it occurred to me that he was that very same person that was in the drive-thru. I just knew it. I went and looked at the back of the pickup (already knowing which side the sticker was) and sure enough. This was Mr. McDonald’s patron. Is it meant to be? Perhaps. But I live in a small town, too. Apparently we both do. Again, I pray, cross my fingers and toes, and hope that this is the last time I am starting over.

Brighter days are ahead!

It’s been a while since I have ended things with Mr. Cheater. I still think of him often but it’s not upsetting to me anymore. I can only hope that he will discontinue his ways although I would bet money that he will not.

I am preparing myself for a gastric sleeve. I am a little over 100 lbs over my ideal weight. I just want to get back under 200 and I will be happy. I’m not really nervous, either. I’ve been reading about it and saving recipes on Pinterest for after the surgery. I’ve only known two people who have gotten the surgery and one has gained about half of the weight back over many years and the other one no longer works with me so I have no idea how well she is doing. She’s the one that referred me to Weight Loss Institute of Arizona.

Is it bad that I can’t wait to be at a healthier weight so that maybe the perfect man will enter my life? Of course I want to be healthier for myself and my kids. I honestly feel like more people would notice me if I was 100lbs less than what I am now. Yeah, that’s a lot. Life happened and I gained weight. I am an emotional eater, I always have been. I feel that I have grown enough and learned enough that I can make it through this surgery and not gain the weight after losing it. I have become so strong in the last two years that I really am proud of who I am. Now I want to focus on my health and my happiness about myself so I can truly shine.

Have any of you experienced weight loss surgery? I would love to know your thoughts, good or bad. Maybe you have a favorite recipe to share? I’m all ears!

Bah humbug

I miss him. I am doing everything I can to keep my mind off of him. I even downloaded three dating apps. As I swiped through the pictures I could just feel the desolation from not having him in my life anymore. I know I made the right decision but deep down inside I have to wonder if I am wrong. I broke down and texted him. I told him that I really miss him. Of course he hasn’t responded and I don’t expect him to; I just hope he does. Regardless, I deleted the apps because I am nowhere near ready to even look at other guys.

Well world, have a wonderful night. I pray that we all have peace no matter where we are in life. Merry Christmas.

Broken

What a great way to start a blog; with anger and a broken heart. I knew it was coming but hoped I was wrong. How could someone so perfect turn out to be so wrong? The way he smiled, his laugh, his long hair. I’ve always been attracted to a man with long hair. He didn’t mind that I crave constant skin contact. He rubbed my hand when he held it, communicated with me as much as I craved it. Perfection. I introduced him to my kids and my ex-husband and naturally assumed I would meet his family too.

What happened, you wonder. Well, I ignored some signs because I was so hungry for love and he so readily provided it to me.

It started with Facebook. I sent him a friend request and he promptly told me that he doesn’t use Facebook anymore because of the drama. I saw that we had a mutual friend and he told me they went to high school together. We’ll get to this later; it ties into the end of our story. Mr. Wonderful and I texted from morning to night, every day. I loved the attention. We even messaged all day at work. We never ran out of things to talk about and enjoyed getting to know each other. It felt magical. Time continued on and we did as well. He spent the night with me and so gently made love to me. He held me all night and I can honestly say that it had been a long time since I felt loved.

He decided to declare his love for me in a text. So romantic. However, I have been dating for two years now and I know that’s a red flag. I didn’t know what to say because maybe he really thought he did love me? Of course it was too soon for “real” love so I thanked him and told him how much I appreciated seeing those words. I told him that I hope to be able to tell him the same someday.

One day during conversation he mentioned that he had a roommate. I wondered why this hadn’t come up before. I wanted to know if I could go to his house so he didn’t always have to drive the one hour to my house. He promptly told me no because “his roommate is an asshole”. Of course that didn’t sit right with me.

Time marched on and Thanksgiving was near. My kids were having turkey dinner with their dad’s girlfriend’s family so I stayed home alone. I naturally inquired about his plans and he told me he was going to his ex’s house. I know that sounds weird but they remain friends after sharing a daughter who is an adult but still lives with her mom. I get along quite well with my ex so it’s not weird for me that he spends time at that house. What I really wanted for him to do was to ask me to join him or for him to come hang out with me. He informed me that his ex didn’t want anyone else around. So that was a no. Well I guess I will just stay home by myself and try to be thankful. Grr…

Do you remember that I mentioned we were constantly texting? Well it started slowing down on the weekends and then eventually the nights after work. He said he was busy. I don’t know about you but when someone is on my mind I make sure that I respond to them as soon as I can or at least tell them that I am busy and will text when I can. That’s not hard!! Ok I know not everyone is like that so I put it on the back burner. However, it continued slowing down so that we really only “talked” while at work. This was heartbreaking because I really enjoy bantering with this man.

One day I told him that we needed to talk because I have stuff that I need clarification on. Like…why can’t I come to your house? Is your roommate ever not there? When do I get to meet your parents? Your daughter? He seems to have plans most nights that do not allow for meeting me. More red flags, I know. He expressed that he understood and we will get together as soon as he’s not so busy. Really? Will that happen? Because I am starting to doubt it. I didn’t want to voice my concerns over text, especially while at work. I wanted to talk in person so I can read him.

Remember that mutual friend of ours? We’ll call him Michael. I decided to ask Michael to look at my boyfriend’s Facebook profile as I had some suspicions that I hoped he could clear up for me. Guess what? The boyfriend unfriended his childhood friend. I see no reason for this other than to keep things secret. Seriously, what “good” reason is there?

Well, today I let go. We chatted and conversation drifted to me wanting to talk to him again. Who knew this would be so difficult. Keep in mind that Christmas is almost here so he could very well be busy. I asked what he was doing for Christmas and he said he was going to his ex’s house for lunch and dinner with his daughter. I asked if I could come with him knowing that the answer would be no. Why not ask? He promptly told me that his ex is not like my ex and that she will not allow someone else over. Red flag!! I’m seriously getting tired of these red flags. As I review what I have typed, I am kicking myself in the ass. Why did I let this continue? Because I am hungry. Sad but true.

I explained to him that I don’t feel important because he doesn’t make time for me anymore. He proceeded to tell me that he wasn’t sure if he had time for a girlfriend because he planned on moving to Texas next year. WTF? Where did this come from?! So I told him that I am used to being a priority which is acceptable for relationships. I also pointed out that either he really does have an asshole for a roommate or is hiding something and that I just can’t put my finger on it. So I left the ball in his hands and guess what? He hasn’t responded.

I know I shouldn’t even be here after all of these red flags but I just hoped, like so many of us do, that there was a reasonable explanation for questionable actions. I cried, I went grocery shopping while listening to SKYND, I went home and ate too much chocolate silk pie. Here I sit wishing I wasn’t so weak. I wish that I was perfectly happy without a man in my life. I honestly wish I didn’t need a partner but my life feels empty without one. I can tell you this….I will NOT be getting on any dating sites because that seems to be where you find the piranhas.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I know I am not alone and I do know that there is a perfect person for me who will treat me just like I need to be treated and will be an open book. I want you readers to know that you are not alone as well. We make bad decisions, we hope for the best in people and stumble through this thing called life. The most important thing I can leave you with today is to get back up and continue moving forward. Love yourself and smile at the beauty in the mirror.

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