I find myself questioning my current situation. I love him. I have wondered about his state of mind for some time now and it just became an issue. I can’t picture my life without him yet I don’t know if I can go on with him. I just don’t know what to think or feel right now.

It’s been a while…

Between surgery, boyfriend changes, global apocalypse, computer issues and general feelings of being overwhelmed, I haven’t been on here for a while. Luckily my job is considered essential so I am still employed and report to work 5x a week. My heart goes out to all those that have lost their jobs and/or their income. This is an unprecedented experience for most of us and we are at the mercy of a virus and panic. Who knew that it would be so difficult to purchase paper goods like paper towels and toilet paper? I understand the demand for Clorox wipes and hand sanitizer but toilet paper? Whatever. I found that I have gone to Walmart in the mornings before work and there are a few packages of the expensive stuff so I purchase it so that my friends don’t run out. It’s the least I can do.

I am currently dating a man named Mark who thinks very deeply about everything. I truly think his brain doesn’t shut off therefore he is quite talkative, too. I have experienced quiet times with him and they’re beautiful. Cuddling on the couch, during sex, on car rides. He’s a smoker (including medical marijuana) but I don’t mind it. I grew up with a dad who smoked inside quite heavily and surprisingly I never picked up the habit myself. We’re barely in our second month of dating so time will tell where this goes.

I have been doing well since my surgery; the healing process was a breeze. The only thing I struggle with is food (and sometimes drinks) getting stuck. I didn’t have this problem before so I am unsure if it’s the gastric sleeve, hiatal hernia repair or I’m taking too big of bites/swallows. I plan to go in a have an EGD done again to determine if the hernia repair was done and healed correctly. I should be on all foods right now but I have a hard time eating anything dry, like triscuits and cake (but not together lol). Those are carbs anyway so I shouldn’t be eating them but you know there are times when you are craving certain foods or flavors.

Have a great day everyone. I pray that the apocalypse ends soon.

I spoke too soon

Steven came over last night at my request. Our mutual friend, Liz, shared with me that his last girlfriend ripped his heart out. Had I known this I would have made different choices yesterday. No wonder the guy is scared and wants to take things slowly. He also shared with me that his ex-wife had told him that she felt like he was molesting her the entire time. WTF. That really messes with you on so many levels. My heart breaks for this man. I don’t know where we currently stand; seeing each other or friends. In my mind things have to be classified but he is not that way so I feel like I am in limbo. When he came over last night I wanted to kiss him so bad; I really enjoy kissing him. He left it up to me so we did. We cuddled on the couch too while we discussed things like helping him heal. I told him that I want to help him work through it and he is ok with that. I just need for him to know that he can trust me. If only I had better insight before I called it off.

Today is day one of two in which I am only able to consume liquids. I am starving. I had Herbalife snack drink in peach mango for breakfast and chicken bone broth throughout the day. I have to say that “Better than Buillion” is an excellent choice for broth. It actually tastes pretty good. This is something you can find at your local grocery store; I found mine at Walmart.

Have a good night (or day) all.

Starting over again

Yesterday I put off plans so I could spend some time with Steven. I immediately messaged him when I got off work and didn’t receive a response. I knew he was sleeping. Call it a gut feeling. So I proceeded with my plans anyway. He messaged me 6 hours later apologizing for falling asleep. Remember he works graves so he sleeps during the day…except the days when he sleeps in the evenings. So this would be the third time that I have been disappointed because his sleep schedule is off kilter. We’ve only been seeing each other for 6 weeks; it is too early for disappointment. So I sent him a message this morning telling him we should remain friends for now. He needs to get his sleep schedule straightened out as well as his mental issues (his words, not mine). So…I’m freakin single again. I really hate this. Why does it need to be so hard? This year I am hating Valentine’s day.

I emailed the medical assistant for my doctor to make sure everything is on track for surgery on Monday. She told me that she is still waiting for the clearance from my PCP. Mind you I got this message from her yesterday! So I am kinda freaking out thinking that surgery may need to be postponed if they cannot get this clearance. I called and she stated that if she cannot get it from my PCP then the operating doctor can approve it because they did originally receive the clearance two years ago when I started going to this clinic. I tried calling her this morning but she comes in at 10. I don’t know about her but I really like to have my ducks in a row before stuff happens, like say, surgery.

That’s all for now, folks. For those of you who are single, you’re not alone. For those of you who are in a relationship, enjoy it while it lasts.

What the heck?

So I was in a mental hospital last year because a medication I had started taking made me suicidal. Yeah, it wasn’t pretty. My then boyfriend pretty much ditched me because of it; it made the whole situation *that* much worse. I made a couple of friends in there and there are two girls that I still talk to here and there. Please note that not all people in certain hospitals are “bad”. Some of them just make mistakes, similar to people in prison. Consequences can be tough sometimes. Anyhow, one of the guys there seemed to be interested in me and we would have long conversations. Keep in mind that I was in limbo with the boyfriend and in the hospital so I was not in a position for anything other than friendship. I left him my number and that was that. I didn’t hear from him….until today. Almost exactly a year later he left a voicemail on my phone wanting to connect with me. But guess what? I am seeing Steven and there is potential there for something greater. I will chat with the disappearing man but it will not go further, aside from the whole “we met in a mental hospital” thing.

Steven spent the night with me on Saturday and slept with me all night, holding me. I realize to the majority of people this is common but he works PM shift so he usually sleeps when I am at work. The fact that he somehow made that happen spoke volumes to me. I did tell him that I thought I was starting to develop feelings for him. I think I spooked him. I told him I will keep the “feels” in check and we agreed to continue slow and steady. This is how it should be with any relationship. I’m not saying or feeling like I am falling in love with the guy, just that after sharing the intimacy of sex together and great communication, I care about him. He has a lot of qualities that I desire in a man so I will continue on down the Steven road. Who knows where it will end?

Last night I broke down and had some cookies. Of course I felt terribly guilty afterwards and still feel so. I’m not supposed to have any carbs right now :/ On the bright side, surgery is still on for Monday and I am excited! I’m only a little nervous. I’m surprisingly not having much issues with the protein only diet. Maybe because it’s temporary for now?

Until next time…have a great day or night, as the case sometimes turns out to be.

Just another day in the life of me.

Steven messaged me this morning, frustrated as hell. His neighbor’s fire alarms were screaming and his neighbor is usually home but didn’t respond to him. Being a first responder, he gained access to the apartment and determined that it was unoccupied. His neighbor later came home and was mad that he went into the apartment. That’s right, no “Thank you”. Silence either indicates that the person is not home or not conscious, or deaf as the case is not. The apartment manager was threatening to press charges for breaking and entering. Seriously? What has this world come to? I personally would be appreciative regardless if I was home or not.

I weighed myself this morning and I weigh the exact same amount as the other day! What the heck? But then I remembered that I am eating mostly protein now and my system has slowed down. I will buy some Benefiber tomorrow to consume during this whole process.

On a sad note, a friend of mine has passed away. I didn’t know him well but still consider him a friend. He had humor in most of his words and was always willing to help other people. I don’t know how old he was but I would guess in his 50s at the oldest. He did seem to be in pain constantly and it was more pronounced at the last ritual we attended….yet he still had his humor about him. The world has lost another light however may he rest in peace without pain.

Goodnight world and goodbye Mike. I hope you have found your peace.

Good shoes

I have Morton’s Neuroma in both feet. It sucks. I probably developed it from wearing flat shoes like ballet slippers for too many years. Initially I thought I would never give them up but each time I wear them I have days of excruciating pain. I am at the point where I don’t go on walks anymore because of that pain. I miss walks. So I have been searching for a pair of shoes that look decent and have rocket bottoms or stiff bottoms that don’t fold at the ball of the foot. There are many shoes that come up but it’s hard to tell what they feel like when looking online. I think I am going to try some shoe experiments through Zappos. They have a good supply of shoes and I can return them if they don’t fit or feel well.

Twelve days are left until my surgery. I am still eating exactly as I should with no desire to cheat. Well, maybe a little. But I am holding strong. I need to remember to weigh myself tomorrow morning so I can see what I’ve lost. I am guessing 2-3 lbs.

Have a great evening 🙂

13 days to go!

I have 13 days until my surgery. I am not one bit nervous. I’ve begun food prep for afterwards so I don’t have to put effort into food. I weighed myself this morning and it was a scary 294.4. My highest was 311 and that was 16 years ago. It scares me to think I am right there again. My goal weight is to just be under 200.

Yesterday was the beginning of my two week pre-op diet. I am not eating carbs/fruits/veggies. I actually did pretty well. Usually the first day of any diet is the most difficult (mentally). Perhaps it’s the knowledge that the surgery is coming?

I am still seeing Steven. We have not moved into the dating phase yet but I think it’s time. We clearly have interest in each other and that’s not including that passion that two Scorpios can have. He’s technically a Scorp-itarrius as he was born on the cusp. So some Scorpio characteristics I have seen in him include being dominant (which I freakin’ love) and the need for control. The control one is something I am walking cautiously around. If it ever gets to be too much then I will send him on his way. My ex-husband is the calm, laid back submissive type which drove me insane. He doesn’t take the reigns for anything. So…dating (I mean seeing) and dominant male is very attractive to me.

That’s all for now. Have a wonderful day 🙂


I went to Walmart today and bought a whole bunch of foods I don’t usually eat. I’m getting ready for my two week pre-operation eating. I know I spent more money than I should have but I also purchased TV dinners for my daughter after surgery because I doubt I will be cooking. It does feel good to buy stuff that has been on the list forever because I didn’t think I needed it….I just wanted it? IDK.

Tonight I am going over to Steven’s house for Chinese takeout and to watch a movie. I am not sure which movie we will be watching, if we really do watch one. Last night was getting pretty heated. I dreamt about him all night which is so unusual for me.

I have to admit that him working the night shift is difficult for me. My ex was on graves for years and it was more of a problem than helpful. I get up early most days and enjoy the sunlight and the busyness of the world. He is awake while I am asleep. I’m not sure how we can really do things, like road trips or zoo visits, when we’re on opposite schedules. But so far I like this guy so we’ll see where it goes. Everything is moving in a natural progression which is really nice. Mr. Cheater of course wanted one thing and there was no waiting for it. Steven is clearly not here for that and I truly respect him for that reason, amongst others.

Alright…have a good night everyone.

The countdown begins

My doctor confirmed for me that I will be having weight loss surgery-gastric sleeve-on February 17th. As of today, I am 101 lbs over my goal. As I type I am munching on Tagalongs. I wonder why I am overweight :/ I am fully ready to give them up in the week I have remaining to eat freely. I think I need some ice cream too lol. Just so you know, I am fully committed to the dietary restrictions that will take place post surgery. I am basically holding a funeral for the foods that will be out of my life for quite some time, if not forever.

I’ve always had an issue with food. I would like to thank my mother for that. The way that she showed love was by buying me things which included food. She encouraged me to use food when I was sad or happy. There were no limits on what I could eat. Having spent so much of my life eating freely, it is no wonder that I am overweight. I have strongly instilled into my children to eat until satisfied-not until they are full-and to limit treats to two a day. Of course this means I hide when I am eating because I don’t want them to see Momma’s bad habits. It doesn’t help that I have 10 cases of Girl Scout cookies watching me.

My doctor appointment got done in half the time expected so I went to hang out with Steven. I do enjoy this guy. Our conversation was more balanced but not quite to 50% yet. He continued to email me while at work which I love. Communication is super important to me. I was kinda hoping to be able to see him tonight but he hasn’t responded to my text. In his defense, he works graves and was up all day so I am willing to bet the poor guy fell asleep.

Alright all…I’m going to bed. I know it’s early but I enjoy sleep. Have a good night or day, as some are currently having.

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