Stand up for yourself

For the last two days my boyfriend has been wallowing in depression. This hits him at random (unpredictable) times. I hold him and let him work through his feelings and thoughts while reminding myself that this will pass. Yesterday he switched courses and started talking about how our home doesn’t feel like home and there’s too much work that needs to be done. He said he doesn’t know if it will ever feel like home. This raised my defenses. Why? Because we moved from a small two bedroom to almost twice the size so that there was enough space (and bedrooms) for us and the children. This move was initiated by me and paid for by me. When I think about it, I realize he didn’t help with the unpacking or cleaning either. I brushed it off before but now I understand why.

The old me would just keep her mouth shut and “get over it”. It took me a few minutes and then I told him that I didn’t feel that he appreciated all that I have done for our family. I know, he’s depressed, this isn’t the time to speak out. But you know what, no time is better than the present. I actually told him that maybe he needed to find somewhere else that he would feel at home. As I am typing this I am realizing that I attacked back when I felt attacked. This wasn’t the right time to do so. But I did. He said I sounded like my girls. Wait. What? What did that mean exactly? This came across to me as derogatory. How dare he put down my girls. I have raised my children to speak up for themselves and I am so proud of who they are. Therefore they SHOULD sound like me.

We email each other while we are apart and he has told me that he feels like garbage (this is a common complaint with him) and that he is sorry. In fact he has apologized so much that I am tired of hearing it. Does that make me cold blooded? I have told him how I feel, how his comments affected me and I am proud of myself for doing so. I can’t hide my thoughts and feelings like I have been conditioned to do.

So time will tell how much damage has been inflicted. I am sure this will pass but in the back of my mind I keep tabs. I can forgive but I rarely forget.

Regrets

What regrets do you have in your life? A regret is defined as “something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity”. The first thing that popped into my head was theft. My brother used to steal my dad’s money out of his uniform that was hung up to wear the next day. My mother actually told me that he was doing this. I don’t know if she ever discussed it with my dad. I worried immediately that my dad would think that it was me. He died shortly afterwards so I never had the opportunity to make sure he knew it wasn’t me.

I was constantly starved for attention as a child. My mother devoted her time and energy to my brother leaving little for me. My dad favored me over my brother but wasn’t capable of being affectionate. I sought his approval constantly. I wasn’t a trouble-maker, I was just searching. His loss devastated me. I felt like I was an abandoned child. In a sense he did abandon me but it was not his fault.

My mother didn’t change her ways at all when he died. In fact, things became worse. I was punished for acting out and still denied the love I needed from her. Is it possible to regret most of your childhood? Can I just regret not having a better mother? I view the situation as a whole. I wish I did have a different mother or that she died instead of my dad. I can only imagine how different my life would be if that were the case. I probably would not have been pregnant at 16.

I regret not currently having a relationship with her. My boyfriend has stated that he feels he can help me mend that broken bridge. I was defensive. I don’t want to have a relationship with her. What good would it bring? She always thinks I have ulterior motives. I suppose I do. I just want the love and respect that a child should receive from their mother.

I have been thinking this over. I feel that I *should* try to repair our relationship because I may regret it in the future. Honestly I have tried multiple times throughout my adult life and I have always come back to it being broken. This time around I have not talked to her at all for about 15 years. Maybe 16 years. I am honestly happier without her (and my brother) in my life. Why would I want to change that? Again, what benefits could I possibly get from repairing that relationship?

I have been working on self-improvement and came across personality schemas. “A schema is a cognitive structure that serves as a framework for one’s knowledge about people, places, objects, and events. Schemas help people organize their knowledge of the world and understand new information.” I suffer from “defectiveness/shame”. This is the feeling that “one is defective, bad, unwanted, inferior, or invalid in important respects; or that one would be unlovable to significant others is exposed”. I blame my mother directly for this. At the same time, I read about “enmeshment”. Enmeshment is where one “believes that they cannot live or enjoy life without the constant emotional support of someone else. In some instances, the person doesn’t even feel whole inside without that other person close by”. This describes my mother’s relationship with my brother to a tee. It feels so good to see such a perfect definition of my “issues”. It’s like receiving a diagnosis.

So now that I have my diagnosis, I can begin to read about how to repair myself from this misguided belief/personality schemas.

What regrets do you have? Is there something you wish you said or did that could change your “world” as it is now?

http://www.thoughtco.com

Unfinished business

What unfinished business do you have? Unfinished business is an event or an emotion of the past that is affecting you currently even when you are not aware.

I had to stop to think of this. Naturally, my mother came to mind. She strongly favored my brother over me for as long as I can remember. I have always felt incomplete, unimportant and unworthy. I have not spoken to my mother and brother for around 15 years. Has it really been that long? My boyfriend has offered to help repair this relationship and I doubt it could be done but on the other hand, it sure would be nice to close the door on this issue.

When my son was a toddler I had two separate babysitters that I was unable to pay. Many years later I sent them checks in the mail for an amount much more than I really owed due to the fact that it had been years since the job was performed. I felt (and still feel) bad for not paying them as promised but I feel I made up for it. It does feel good to close *that* door.

What unfinished business do you have? Is it something you can resolve?

A windy day

Today (and last night) were quite windy. It’s a reminder of sorts that days that look yin can have some yang flowing through. It’s all about the balance of life.

I experience mostly yin with my boyfriend but have seen some yang as well. I wonder what the next moment of yang will look like. Will it be the one that sends him packing? I remind myself that I too have yang and have some moments that could make someone question the relationship. But those dark moments make you cherish the bright ones even more. I am waiting for him to propose to me. Yep. The next big step. I know I will say yes but that little doubt in my mind may put a wedding off to the future. I need to know that I can handle the moments of darkness.

I do daydream about a perfect ceremony in the woods with trees and flowers and a promise to love him each day. I will never again promise to love someone until death because people change and sometimes that’s a promise that cannot be held. We cannot predict the future. So for now, we will wait but I will dream away.

Home improvement

I currently own and live in a single-wide manufactured home. My home is within a trailer park for people that are employed by the state. It’s not the best place to live but I own it outright and I am surrounded by corrections officers. I feel safe here.

My boyfriend has two children (14 and 9 yrs) whom stay with us on the weekends. I have a 9 year old that I get every other week. So when all three children are at the house, it becomes painfully obvious that a two bedroom is insufficient. I have asked around for a bigger house within my area, I’ve applied for mortgages and been denied and I have applied for low-income housing. My boyfriend and I haven’t been dating long enough to acquire new living accommodations together.

Yesterday, my friend across the street messaged me. He wanted to know if I would be interested in trading houses. WHAT?!?! He has a three bedroom that’s almost twice the size of mine. He is going through a divorce and his daughter has moved with her mom to Georgia. He doesn’t need such a big house. Are you serious!?! We viewed each other’s houses seem to be in agreement to trade. I am so excited!!

My mind has been in overdrive thinking about how to make that house personalized for me but in a way that has the approval of the rest of the family. It needs new flooring and so much paint. What colors do I want? What kind of flooring? I think I will have a paint party but I certainly don’t want to install all of the flooring by myself. It’s almost 1400 sq. ft. Luckily I have some money set aside that I can pay someone to install it for me.

I’m so excited; have I mentioned that? I don’t know what kind of time frame I am looking at, maybe 2-3 months. It’s amazing how things just work out for you if you can give them enough time.

Have a wonderful day my friends.

History

My boyfriend’s ex keeps trying to connect with me via Facebook. So far she has sent me a message and a friend request both under different names. I know their relationship didn’t end well so I question her motives. What good could possibly come from this? None. I want to know how she found out about me. Is he still friends with her? He states she is blocked so the only thing I can think of is that perhaps she is still friends with his sister. IDK. I asked him yesterday if there was anything I needed to know and he said no. I still wonder though. What if he’s not being honest with me? I have had so many people lie to me that I find it hard to believe people and I hate that. He has exaggerated about things here and there and I brush it off. Some people are just like that. Am I wrong? Am I brushing away something bigger? Why do I have to question myself and him? Can’t we just be happy? I have chosen to block her (both accounts) and will move on. Hopefully that little seed of doubt will go away with time. Perhaps that was her motive.

Be the bright light

I am currently taking an online course in positive psychology. One assignment that I came across touched me deeply. I was to write a letter to myself from someone that is either living or had passed away. I immediately thought of my dad.

My dad died of a massive heart attack when he was 38. I was 14. My mother had always favored my brother and this became so much more obvious as I had become the black sheep upon his death. I struggled so much for years after his death. As of now, I have zero contact with her. I have little desire to do so. Anyhow, below is my letter from my dad.

My daughter Lisa,

First I would like for you to know how much I love you.  Secondly, I never intended to leave you but it was my time. I am sorry that you were at home when it happened and had to experience the pain and fear associated with my heart attack. I truly wish I could still be there for you and experience your ups and downs with you.

 I was right next to you each time you gave birth to a child and I was stroking your hair while encouraging you to push. I placed my hand onto the chest of each child to feel their heartbeat. I watched and smiled as you began to form new bonds with your precious child. Your children, my grandchildren, are beautiful and I am so proud of them and you.

You went through such a tough time after I died, I was so frustrated with your mom and brother. I stayed with you when you thought you were alone and I did those squats with you when you were being punished. I whispered words of encouragement when you felt alone and abandoned. You can’t see me but I was and still am always there for you. In fact I am looking over your shoulder right now as you are typing this letter. Grandma, Grandpa and Uncle Leo are here with me and they too are impressed by how much you have been through and how much you have grown. You know that Grandma is always with you, you can feel it, and she communicates with you through music. Every time you see a roadrunner you think of her and she loves that. She is also so very proud of who you have become. We all are.

I think about all of the ups and downs you have been through and even though the downs hurt, it has made you a better person. You are becoming more in tune with yourself every day and I couldn’t be more proud.

 I know you want to buy a corvette in my honor but I am proud of you for having a Prius! I never knew that a car could be both electric and gas powered. You are constantly thinking about modern technology and wondering what I would think about it and I will tell you I am constantly in awe. The world has changed so much since I died.

Please know that your mom does love you even though she has a hard time showing that. She misses you too. I look at the both of you and wish you had a better relationship but I understand why you don’t; it is too painful. Maybe someday you will be able to repair that relationship with her. Mark has offered to help and I would like to see you take him up on his offer when you are ready. We are all on earth for such a short time and I don’t want you to have any regrets when it comes time for you to join us.

Heaven is such a beautiful place. There is so much love here. God watches over us as well as those on earth and encourages us to reach out to our loved ones. Most people are unaware of their loved ones being in such close proximity but there are some, including you, that just know. I love you and support you 100% in all that you do. I miss you and wish that I could still be there with you in the physical realm. We all love and miss you.

Don’t be afraid to acknowledge us when you feel our presence or when the music is acting up. It’s ok to say more than “hi”. Tell us about your day. Tell us about your feelings. What have your kids done that made you proud? What have they done that made you sad? What was the best part of you day? What have you learned? Did someone touch your heart?

I loved you since the day you were born and I have loved you ever since. You brought so much joy to my life and made me so proud. Don’t ever forget that. Keep on smiling and don’t forget to be the bright light that this world needs. You emit more light than you will ever know. I wish you well in all that life offers you.

Fine line

There is a fine line between fiction and reality. One person’s reality may appear as fiction to another. How can you tell the difference? What if there is no proof? Can you take a man on his word? I’ve been lied to so many times in my life that I start a new relationship with the “don’t lie to me” mini speech. I have a hard time trusting people, especially those I am in a relationship with. I realize that it is a bad way to begin one and will most likely doom it anyway…but seriously? How do you trust someone when everyone else has lied? He lays in bed having a near panic attack because I questioned him. I feel like the bad guy but it just didn’t make sense to me and of course this issue is something that cannot be proven. I can’t say with certainty that we’ll make it through this. I’ve been waiting for him to propose and now I don’t want him to. What a nightmare a simple sentence can make. My cat is coming over to comfort me; she knows something is wrong. I adore her even more for that. Right now I am waiting for my meds to kick in so I can escape from my troubles for 8ish hours. Unfortunately they will still haunt me as soon as I wake up. They may even haunt my dreams. I can’t go through another broken relationship again. I don’t think I have it in me.

Mysteries

I find myself questioning my current situation. I love him. I have wondered about his state of mind for some time now and it just became an issue. I can’t picture my life without him yet I don’t know if I can go on with him. I just don’t know what to think or feel right now.

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