‘Til death do us part

I’m reading a book titled “The Perfect Father” by John Glatt. This is the true story of Chris Watts’ murder of his family. Shanann, Bella, Celeste and Nico all perished by his hands. At this point in time I am not sure what his mental state is purported to be when this happened but I can tell you what I presume and that is sane and guilty as hell!! This book painted the picture of the seemingly perfect marriage and the sunshine that was Shanann.

I have been in a bad marriage and a good marriage. The bad marriage ended with a lot of anger towards my ex but I never would’ve killed him over it. The good marriage ended after 20 years and my ex and I remain amicable. I can honestly say that I am on good terms with any previous relationship. I would never kill any of them.

I can see where an abused spouse/abused child may fantasize about killing the abuser. I suppose I probably would too, that is, fantasize- not commit a crime. My first ex started becoming abusive towards me and I shooed him out the door rather quickly. The second marriage fell apart because I changed and wasn’t happy anymore. I was actually unhappy but not fully aware of why for most of the marriage.

I have a boyfriend now and we’ve been together for a little over a year. Will I get married again? I dream of it. I have a board on Pinterest for it. Will I do it though? I’m not sure. What I do know is that if I do, I will not promise to love until my death. I will promise to take each day as it comes and to do my best. I think this is much more realistic.

What are your thoughts?

Sex is integral

A relationship without sex is what? A friendship? A friendship with kisses, cuddling and hand holding?

My relationship struggles with this. There is no sex at all. His “friend” is dead in the water. My boyfriend is 40, his “friend” should still be alive and thriving. My libido is at its peak and I feel so neglected. Can a relationship survive this?

He’s been taking supplements to bring back his fire (we’ve tried two so far) and there’s nothing.

Silence.

How does this happen? He swears it’s not me but I cannot agree because what man would not want to have sex?

Silence.

Heartbreak.

Disappointment.

Hurt.

I don’t know how long I can ride this out. We’ve spent more time without sex than we have with sex. I would never cheat on him but I would break up with him if it continues.

Oh the possibilities!

Today I went in for a stress test at the cardiologist. I expect it to go well. I’ve had tingling in my left arm and just want to rule out heart problems.

The person who monitored me during this process picked up on my concentration camp tattoo right off the bat. No one else has gotten this without asking. We discussed our mutual likes of music, bands and our kids. He told me he was a drummer…I’ve always been a sucker for a musician.

At the end of my appointment I really wanted to leave him my number. It’s rare to connect with someone you just met.

I wondered what he looks like under that mask. Everything else looked good, even that slight tummy that middle aged men get. My mind wondered…what if….

Too bad I’m not single. I would’ve jumped all over that opportunity.

But is it ok to think like this? Does it mean that I’m unhappy or missing something? Is the grass greener over there? Perhaps. But I will probably never know. But I guarantee that if I do find myself single that I will make an appointment for another stress test!

Death Row and Executions

How do you feel about inmates on death row? They would have to earn their placement there based on their crimes. Should they be put to death? How should they be put to death?

In Arizona, there are a total of 115 inmates on death row. Our Attorney General, Mark Brnovich, has filed a notice of intent to seek warrants of execution against two of those inmates. Depending on when these inmates committed their crime, they may be able to choose the method in which they are executed (lethal gas or lethal injection).

I personally approve of executions after being in prison for a long time? Why? Because prison is not fun. Inmates get a lot of time to contemplate all aspects of their lives, including their crimes, whether they are actually innocent or guilty. Sitting in a small cell all day with little time out, staring at the walls, having little to no contact with the world outside of their cells…it sounds like punishment and it is. They deserve it. The longer they sit in prison, the more punishment they receive. What better way to pay for your crime topped off with an execution?

Some people can have closure when the inmate is caught. Some can have closure when the inmate is serving time in prison and some when the inmate is executed. For those that need the execution for closure, lengthy time in prison beforehand really drags it out. But remember, prison is not fun.

Tell me your thoughts on executions. Which methods, if any, does your state partake in?

Medication Overload

I expressed concerns to my doctor about possibly having ADD. Most of the time while I am reading, my brain jumps around to different topics until I catch myself. Then it does it again. My counselor said this could be ADD while my boyfriend says it’s normal. Is it though? If I have just become fully aware of it, how long has it gone on for? Who knows? So the doctor bumped my Wellbutrin up to 450 mg. The maximum recommended dosage is 300 mg. He said he felt safe doing this.

Right away I noticed that I wasn’t feeling tired during the day which was a huge improvement. It’s only been a week so I haven’t noticed any changes in concentration.

Yesterday I found myself bickering with my boyfriend. We’ve both been under stress lately (more than normal) thanks to an issue involving me being ripped off with a home improvement deal. That’s a whole different story in itself. Anyway, he called me an asshole. Have I been one? I had to think about this. I have been overly stressed for the last two months with the crescendo being this week. The timing for stress and medication couldn’t have been worse.

I can’t see into our future to determine if we will be together forever or not. That makes me think the latter. On top of that, I feel like I love him but am not in love with him. I question this constantly. Am I settling? There was little “puppy love” in the beginning and that has faded away in large due to his mental health issues. Aren’t we a cute couple :/

After some deep thinking I came to the agreement that the medication was making me an asshole. So I vowed to stop taking it. I usually handle stress better than this. I’m also not one to really fight.

So…I will continue to deal with the concentration issues to keep the anger at bay. In the meantime, I will continue soul searching to try to figure out my relationship and whether I need to move on or not. I just hate being alone.

Does where you live define you?

We all know that we judge people based on where they live. Whether you live in a five bedroom elite, a manufactured home, a three bedroom in a master built community, an apartment or an RV. There are two reasons for why you live where you live. Either you choose to live there or you have to live there.

What makes that determination? Usually it’s income. Some people are much more fortunate than others and can afford nicer/bigger homes. Some people (me included) can barely afford a roof over their head and may need to settle. Is settling a bad thing? No. As long as you have a roof over your head, you have succeeded.

I overheard a derogatory comment at work today regarding people that live in a “trailer park”. I have to admit that I was offended because I live in one. But why do I live there? Why not live in a home within a master planned community? I work for the government. I earn 1/3 of what that commenter earns; my pay is considered low income. I qualify for food stamps. I am sure he lives in a regular home that doesn’t shake when the wind blows strongly. I live where I can afford to live but guess what? I own my home outright. That’s right. No mortgage payments.

I am stuck in my current living arrangement. I can only live where I am at if I work for my particular department under the State of Arizona. In addition, if I work here and make payments for 10 years on my student loans, they will be forgiven. I have an ungodly amount of student loans and need whatever help I can get to pay them off. I live in a small town that is about 45 minutes away from a city. There aren’t many job choices here, especially ones that qualify for PSLF (public student loan forgiveness).

I could afford something nicer but it would leave me with little extra money for things like a car or weekly fun activities that I take with my kids. I think the only thing that matters is that my kids and I have a roof and we have fun. Sure I would be happier in a bigger home without the stigma of “trailer trash”. My home is currently being painted (interior) by a professional and the flooring will be replaced shortly after. It sure doesn’t look like trailer trash.

Where you live defines you in other people’s eyes. But guess what? It doesn’t matter. You live your life how and where you can and who you are is what defines you.

What kind of home do you live in? Are there any associated stigmas with it?

Reflection

Some days are tougher than others. Some days I feel wonderful and happy with life. Some days I wonder how I even get out of bed in the mornings. I am medicated for a myriad of disorders (depression, anxiety, bi-polar) and 75% of the time I am happy as a bee on a flower.

A couple of days ago I was driving to pick up my youngest and I think I drove through some kind of portal that left me questioning everything. Am I happy? Am I making the right choices in life? Am I happy in my relationship with my boyfriend? Is the grass really greener over there?

Time will provide all of the answers I need. Until then, I push myself to continue on until it passes.

Be well my friends.

You just never know

Today I received an email regarding a coworker that had unexpectedly passed away. I haven’t spoken to him since he transferred out of our location but do consider him a friend. This comes right on the heels of another coworker that met the same fate. These two people are those which I consider young and death has come too early. Although, to be honest, death’s arrival is hardly ever welcome.

Please tell your friends and family how much they mean to you. Hug them a little tighter. Today just might be the last day you can do so.

Valentine’s Day 2021

I asked my boyfriend if we could discuss what we would like to do with Valentine’s day (our first one) so there is no pressure or stress trying to make it perfect. He told me he doesn’t celebrate it. Ok. It’s too commercial and there shouldn’t be a need to express love on a certain day when it could be expressed on any given day. Ok that is true. However, I love tradition and plan to buy little cute stuffed animals and chocolates for my daughters. I guess I don’t have to worry about buying him anything.

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