A Christian witch

I am a Christian.

I believe in God. I believe that Jesus died for our sins. I pray to only God. I have God in my heart.

I am a witch.

I utilize candles/herbs/crystals/chanting to harness energy that exists on our world to direct it to that which I am praying about.

“A house divided cannot stand”.

So according to the Bible, one cannot be both.

What are your thoughts?

Patience

Yesterday I told the Beau that I would discontinue my witchy practices for him. I will take such a large chunk of who I am, put it into a box and store it in the shed outside. I will not completely get rid of these items unless things become much more serious.

I hope he understands and appreciates the entire depth of this decision I have made.

I found the below words on Pinterest this morning which hit me pretty hard:

Time will tell if I have made another stupid move or not. I hope it is not.

I wonder to myself about people that would change religions to be equally yoked with their spouse or soon-to-be spouse. What do they give up for love? Do they regret it? If they get divorced, do they revert back to their original religion?

Not only am I losing decor/items that are *me* but I will be tucking away my witchy friends and our gatherings. I will miss this.

I will miss me.

There is no gray area

I call myself a Christian witch. Yes that’s a thing…or at least it was.

Yesterday I lit a white candle to focus on sending energy to the world so that my current beau may get his fair portion of custody of his kids. The mother (his ex-wife) will not allow him to see them. I was chastised for meddling in the affairs of others and told to run because a man without custody of his kids must be a bad man. Isn’t it possible that the ex is the problem?

Anyway, I couldn’t focus; my mind was jumping from topic to topic as it usually does but a bit more pronounced. So I decided to kick it up a notch and perform a spell. I put some witch’s grass in my desktop cauldron and wrote his kid’s initials on bay leaves. I placed the bay leaves, one by one, into the fire I had lit; chanting and *feeling* the energy that I was trying to direct.

Proud of myself for taking the initiative to do something good for him, I sent him a picture of the blue fire in my cauldron.

I didn’t get a response.

Did I do something wrong? I messaged someone who is very knowledgeable on Christianity and asked what the bible’s take was on burning candles and herbs while praying. Of course she said it’s not necessary because you need nothing more than love and words to speak to God; you gain no additional “points” when using candles/herbs.

I get that.

My desire is to harness the energy on this planet and direct it towards the desired goal in hopes for a positive outcome. I do pray to God and no one else.

This is why I call myself a Christian witch.

This person also told me that I need to reject witchcraft because I am playing in the devil’s playground. I don’t see that I am doing anything wrong. If I have a relationship with God and use tarot cards for fun, is that really a bad thing?

Yes it is. You can either walk the path of Christianity or walk the path of Satan. THERE IS NO GRAY AREA. I discussed this with the beau and explained that all I am trying to do is to help myself focus on the issue at hand. This is true. I explained to him that the conversation with the friend was difficult because I only have good intentions and that I want to go to heaven when I die. We let it go.

This morning, after restless sleep, I messaged my beau to tell him that I had some clarity. I explained that I do in fact try to tap into that energy with the desire to bring about change. I likened it to Feng Shui. Following the practices of Feng Shui, furniture is placed in ways that allow the energy to flow freely without blockages. I have felt this and I believe in it.

He sent me a lengthy response to my text via email. In summary, you CANNOT be Christian and a witch. You cannot cast spells nor tap into a non-existent energy force. You cannot attend rituals or be a part of a coven.

Now I should probably clarify, he is not telling me to *not* do these things. What he is telling me is that according to the bible, these things are wrong. They cannot be a part of my life if I call myself a Christian. THERE IS NO GRAY AREA. One or the other.

Why does this matter so much to me? Because I really like this guy. It’s obvious to me that he is a devout Christian. If I want to proceed with this man then I have to reject a large part of who I am. But without the witchy side of me, who am I? Can I live and embrace a religion that has yet to accept me? I have always been an outcast…my mother never accepted me. I rebelled on varying levels for my entire life. When my dad passed away (I was 14 years old) my desire to rebel multiplied. I have always done things my way because it just didn’t matter otherwise. Why try to follow everyone else when I can create my own path? I was born on Halloween and it has always been my favorite holiday. I have always adored cats, bats and pumpkins. I feel that I was born a witch.

Now I must take it all away and leave a naked and bared soul stripped of her identity.

Why? Why can’t that part of me be ok? Why can’t I be a Christian witch? What I have in my heart should be all that matters. Following this relatively new path with him will be difficult. There is no gray area. I have to walk a straight line. I may even have to attend church.

But is that such a bad thing?

My relationship with this man is in it’s infancy. I will pack away the witchy side of me and store those items in the shed outside. I have decided that if we get married, I will get rid of these items. Until then, they will rest in the shadows.

I do see that removing this part of me should not take place. But…I do want to give love a chance to grace me. Who knows, this man may be exactly who I need him to be. This man may be able to remove the chains around my heart and hold it in his hands.

I won’t know until I try, right?

The naive mind

Yesterday I posted about the merging of two souls in sensual bliss. I stated that nothing was more beautiful. After last night, I have learned that an even deeper connection is possible. Is this what true love feels like?

How close can two souls truly be?

Time will tell. In the meantime, I look forward to connecting on so many levels with this wonderful man.

Good boys bring heaven, too

There is a song by Julia Michaels that includes the following lyrics: “They say, “All good boys go to heaven” But bad boys bring heaven to you. The song is titled “Heaven” and is played as the third and final single from the soundtrack to the film Fifty Shades Freed (2018).

I have found that 50% of the time, this is true. Wouldn’t it be though? Either the love interest is or is not a bad boy and is or is not capable of bringing heaven to you.

Here is what I am learning: Good boys are also fully capable of bringing heaven to you and I’m not talking strictly sexually, either.

I wasn’t really looking for someone for a relationship. I was looking for someone to talk to besides my kids. Adults need adult conversation. I utilized Facebook Dating and Hinge to surf through the sea of men seeking partners and/or friends. Some had potential, others not so much. I have a pretty good idea of what I am looking for and after the last relationship I definitely know what I DON’T want.

I’ve always had a thing for musicians, especially those with long hair. So when Chris’ profile popped up, I was immediately interested in him. His picture was of him playing a guitar on stage although he had short hair (that’s ok, too).

So I sent him a message.

He responded back.

It has now been six weeks since these first words were exchanged. Chris has a background and beliefs in Christianity which is completely fine with me. I consider myself a Christian Witch. Yeah, that’s a thing and an entry for another day. I have visited Chris’ apartment twice now and although we have made out and things got pretty steamy, we have not had sex. He has stated-and I agree-that it needs to be special. Even our first kiss was delayed for the same reason. So I have yet to experience true heaven with this man.

But heaven includes so many more aspects other than just sex.

Chris and I took the Love Languages quiz (https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language) to determine how to best communicate with each other. His top language was “Quality time” while mine was “Words of affirmation”. He calls himself a “gold medal snuggler” and I have therefore dubbed myself a “silver medal snuggler”. So when we’re together, that is what we do no matter the location and I love it.

*I do recommend to you to take this quiz. It is very informative and accurate in my experience.

Chris consistently tells me how pretty I am, how much he likes me, I have great legs, I’m beautiful. He doesn’t say it frequently enough to be annoying or to cheapen the words. He genuinely means it. I genuinely soak it up!

Having a man take the initiative to immerse himself in my love language means so much to me. This is also a first time for me. All of the things I have needed to hear throughout my life and throughout different relationships is what this man tells me every day.

This is my definition of heaven and this man (or boy as Julia Michaels refers to them) has brought it to me.

‘How can this happen without sex’ you may ask? Well…let me tell you. Aside from hearing “Words of Affirmation” throughout the day, I hear plenty of “Thank yous”. Effort made on my part is noticed and appreciated by him. He wakes up early to send me a message wishing me a good day. We Facetime every night, sometimes more than once a day. He genuinely cares about me. He genuinely likes my full sized figure and still thinks I am beautiful! (This is new to me!!) He talks nicely to my daughter. He lovingly baby talks to his tortoises. He misses his children deeply (yet another story). He’s 100% transparent. He’s cautious. He’s paced.

I could keep going.

Heaven has many more dimensions aside from sex. While I am knee deep in puppy love, the facts stand for themselves. This man is a keeper.

Another completed chapter

Last Monday my boyfriend emailed me at work to tell me that he chewed my daughter’s ass out for supposedly bullying his daughter (they are ages 9 and 10 respectively). So I called him wondering what she did specifically. He couldn’t get his story straight much less give me any facts about her bullying his daughter. My daughter emailed me at work telling me she was terrified. So whilst on the phone with him, I pushed for more information. He told me that he told her she should be careful because people have older siblings. I immediately recognized this as a threat. As it would turn out, he told my 9 year old that when his 14 year old arrived at the house (she was currently being brought over) that she would beat the shit out of her. WTF?! My daughter emailed me again, begging for a response so I told her to go to her friend’s house until I get home. I ended my conversation with my boyfriend completely furious. He later emailed me to tell me that his teen and my daughter hugged and all was well.

Except it wasn’t.

When I got home from work I initiated a conversation immediately with offspring present. He was still unable to give me any specific information about what my daughter supposedly did to bully his daughter. I explained that what he told her (about his teen) was a direct threat.

He did not see it as a threat.

I ended the conversation by telling him that we were taking a break.

He occasionally put his hand on my shoulder, grabbed my hand to hold, kissed me and hugged me. I felt like a cold fish and he knew it too.

I was waiting for his teen to go home because she is spiteful and I worried that if she knew what I had planned then she would do something to “hurt” me. She was supposed to go home on Wednesday night but a traffic accident prevented her mother from coming over.

Thursday morning he told me that his ex was on her way to pick up their teen. I immediately asked my boss for the rest of the day and the following day off. I expected the worst but planned for the best.

My mind was made up.

As soon as she left we sat down on the couch together and I spoke my mind without sugar-coating it. I told him to get out because he threatened my child and I would not accept it. I told him I had a hair appointment scheduled later that night so he had a few hours to relocate himself.

As of today, he is barely in my life; we talk very little. I miss the companionship but not him. He activated Momma Bear and couldn’t even apologize for what he said. Yesterday I cleaned the house top to bottom removing all signs of him; the house looks wonderful and so does my future.

Finally

The cat is out of the bag. Things I have been thinking and feeling in regards to my boyfriend have been said. I kinda feel like a bitch but he needed to hear it just as much as I needed to say it.

Now the question is will he pull himself together and take the reins or continue down the path of suffering?

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