For the last two days my boyfriend has been wallowing in depression. This hits him at random (unpredictable) times. I hold him and let him work through his feelings and thoughts while reminding myself that this will pass. Yesterday he switched courses and started talking about how our home doesn’t feel like home and there’s too much work that needs to be done. He said he doesn’t know if it will ever feel like home. This raised my defenses. Why? Because we moved from a small two bedroom to almost twice the size so that there was enough space (and bedrooms) for us and the children. This move was initiated by me and paid for by me. When I think about it, I realize he didn’t help with the unpacking or cleaning either. I brushed it off before but now I understand why.
The old me would just keep her mouth shut and “get over it”. It took me a few minutes and then I told him that I didn’t feel that he appreciated all that I have done for our family. I know, he’s depressed, this isn’t the time to speak out. But you know what, no time is better than the present. I actually told him that maybe he needed to find somewhere else that he would feel at home. As I am typing this I am realizing that I attacked back when I felt attacked. This wasn’t the right time to do so. But I did. He said I sounded like my girls. Wait. What? What did that mean exactly? This came across to me as derogatory. How dare he put down my girls. I have raised my children to speak up for themselves and I am so proud of who they are. Therefore they SHOULD sound like me.
We email each other while we are apart and he has told me that he feels like garbage (this is a common complaint with him) and that he is sorry. In fact he has apologized so much that I am tired of hearing it. Does that make me cold blooded? I have told him how I feel, how his comments affected me and I am proud of myself for doing so. I can’t hide my thoughts and feelings like I have been conditioned to do.
So time will tell how much damage has been inflicted. I am sure this will pass but in the back of my mind I keep tabs. I can forgive but I rarely forget.