Hope

I had a moment of slight desperation (ok maybe more than slight) and posted on Facebook asking where all of the good single guys are. Of course a few well meaning friends said things like, “When you’re not looking, he will find you” or “Get out and be more social”. I know these things and they irritate me. One friend asked about my “type”. I had to think about what *used* to be my type and what seems to be my type as of lately. My ex-husband is tall and thin; the guys I have dated since then have been tall and husky or rugged. I used to hate beards and chest hair but have discovered that I do love them. Maybe this is the new me speaking. So without going into a list of things I want in a man (including the recently added importance of I wanted a man with some meat on his bones. I’m a big girl and like I mentioned earlier, my ex is thin. Like, turn sideways and disappear. I always felt bigger and even kinda sad because I couldn’t wear his shirts. This friend immediately had someone in mind and asked if I knew Steve (last name withheld for privacy purposes) to which I replied, nope! So after some messaging with the match-maker and swapped pictures, we were “introduced” via Facebook messenger. She had already told me that he is interested in Paganism and ghosts so I was already curious. We began “talking” and I have to say that this man sure does sound interesting to me. He communicates well by word and response time. With each new person I wonder, “Is he the one?” “Where will this take me?” “What does love feel like?” He seems promising so far and that excites and terrifies me. I honestly thought I was going to marry Mr. Cheater; he was so perfect…until I found out he wasn’t. So I am being careful but my mind is working overtime. I had a busy day yesterday with my youngest and at the end of the night Steve and I got together for drinks…at his place. He promised he would be a gentleman and I feel like I can trust him. He has been very forthcoming with me so far and why should I enter a new friendship without trust? It’s hard for me, OMG is it hard. He picked me up from my house as we had planned for me to have a wine cooler. I was nervous and needed something to calm me down but I wouldn’t put myself into a position where I was going to do something I would regret. When I got into his truck I was pleasantly surprised at how handsome he was…and his voice. OMG he has a sexy voice. You know, with some people pictures can either make you look better or worse. His pictures do not do him justice. We arrived at his apartment and I took the fact that it’s number included my favorite number as a good sign. I was surprised at his tidy non-bachelor pad apartment. This man has an eye for detail. He even accentuates with red which is something I have done in most of my previous homes. My current home is accentuated with purple because it had to be different from the house I shared with my now-ex. I’m passed it now though. He was so well behaved, he sat on the other side of the couch and we talked for about 4 hours. I have been so hungry for meaningful adult conversation that I didn’t care that it was also 4 hours passed my bedtime. I could’ve stayed all night with him. We have so many things in common, including the love for the alternate world that we belong to. There were a couple of times since we have started talking that I slipped some slightly racy comments in to test him and he behaved. After that four hour mark I was beginning to get restless so I told him he should probably take me home. He walked me to my driveway and we proceeded to chat more while picking out constellations. When the moment was right, I slid my arm around his waist and pulled him close to me. He kissed me so gently but I could sense the passion within. He placed his hand on the back of my head and held me as he kissed me. I absorbed every second of it and prayed that it was something I could let myself fully enjoy and keep. As I am typing this and reliving last night, I am warmed by the simplest of romantic acts. My heart aches for it. My desire to be with him was magnified today but I have to keep a slow pace. I’m tired of getting hurt and disappointed. Prince Charming really is difficult to find. Today consisted of more chatting and a bit of flirting. I wish it wasn’t a night that he went to work but the slow pace is good for us. I think about the things he said, the aspects of him that intrigue me. It would be really nice to live my life with someone who believed in the same things I did. I consider myself an eclectic witch; I believe in God and make my own rules. My ex was (and still is) a devout Christian. Witchcraft didn’t feel right then. Since I have lived on my own I have adopted it and continue to grow with it. Steve has me thinking of all of the possibilities, the different roads we could potentially travel down. But again, I do this each time. I carve myself up and serve me warm. Take me and do with me as you wish, just make me happy. Unfortunately not every man (it seems most of them) don’t know what to do with a kind and honest open heart. Maybe they don’t care. I know Mr. Cheater didn’t. So far, Steve has given me hope. I pray to God that this ends differently. He’s a soldier, a corrections officer and a Pagan. Perfection again. Time will tell if he is perfect within as without. Of course I know that no one is perfect. When I use that word, I use it for me. Perfect for me. I long for the gentle touch and careful caresses. The small acts of a loving heart. They mean so much to me.

Sidenote: I was in the drive-thru at McDonald’s one day and I was behind a Toyota pick up. It had a “blessed be” sticker on it. The driver was wearing a correctional officer uniform. I wondered if he was single. I wondered if I would ever find someone who walked the same path as me. I’m pretty good as “guessing” the type of vehicle that a person drives although I am not always accurate. This needs continual developing. But I knew Steve drove a smaller pickup. Then it occurred to me that he was that very same person that was in the drive-thru. I just knew it. I went and looked at the back of the pickup (already knowing which side the sticker was) and sure enough. This was Mr. McDonald’s patron. Is it meant to be? Perhaps. But I live in a small town, too. Apparently we both do. Again, I pray, cross my fingers and toes, and hope that this is the last time I am starting over.

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