Broken

What a great way to start a blog; with anger and a broken heart. I knew it was coming but hoped I was wrong. How could someone so perfect turn out to be so wrong? The way he smiled, his laugh, his long hair. I’ve always been attracted to a man with long hair. He didn’t mind that I crave constant skin contact. He rubbed my hand when he held it, communicated with me as much as I craved it. Perfection. I introduced him to my kids and my ex-husband and naturally assumed I would meet his family too.

What happened, you wonder. Well, I ignored some signs because I was so hungry for love and he so readily provided it to me.

It started with Facebook. I sent him a friend request and he promptly told me that he doesn’t use Facebook anymore because of the drama. I saw that we had a mutual friend and he told me they went to high school together. We’ll get to this later; it ties into the end of our story. Mr. Wonderful and I texted from morning to night, every day. I loved the attention. We even messaged all day at work. We never ran out of things to talk about and enjoyed getting to know each other. It felt magical. Time continued on and we did as well. He spent the night with me and so gently made love to me. He held me all night and I can honestly say that it had been a long time since I felt loved.

He decided to declare his love for me in a text. So romantic. However, I have been dating for two years now and I know that’s a red flag. I didn’t know what to say because maybe he really thought he did love me? Of course it was too soon for “real” love so I thanked him and told him how much I appreciated seeing those words. I told him that I hope to be able to tell him the same someday.

One day during conversation he mentioned that he had a roommate. I wondered why this hadn’t come up before. I wanted to know if I could go to his house so he didn’t always have to drive the one hour to my house. He promptly told me no because “his roommate is an asshole”. Of course that didn’t sit right with me.

Time marched on and Thanksgiving was near. My kids were having turkey dinner with their dad’s girlfriend’s family so I stayed home alone. I naturally inquired about his plans and he told me he was going to his ex’s house. I know that sounds weird but they remain friends after sharing a daughter who is an adult but still lives with her mom. I get along quite well with my ex so it’s not weird for me that he spends time at that house. What I really wanted for him to do was to ask me to join him or for him to come hang out with me. He informed me that his ex didn’t want anyone else around. So that was a no. Well I guess I will just stay home by myself and try to be thankful. Grr…

Do you remember that I mentioned we were constantly texting? Well it started slowing down on the weekends and then eventually the nights after work. He said he was busy. I don’t know about you but when someone is on my mind I make sure that I respond to them as soon as I can or at least tell them that I am busy and will text when I can. That’s not hard!! Ok I know not everyone is like that so I put it on the back burner. However, it continued slowing down so that we really only “talked” while at work. This was heartbreaking because I really enjoy bantering with this man.

One day I told him that we needed to talk because I have stuff that I need clarification on. Like…why can’t I come to your house? Is your roommate ever not there? When do I get to meet your parents? Your daughter? He seems to have plans most nights that do not allow for meeting me. More red flags, I know. He expressed that he understood and we will get together as soon as he’s not so busy. Really? Will that happen? Because I am starting to doubt it. I didn’t want to voice my concerns over text, especially while at work. I wanted to talk in person so I can read him.

Remember that mutual friend of ours? We’ll call him Michael. I decided to ask Michael to look at my boyfriend’s Facebook profile as I had some suspicions that I hoped he could clear up for me. Guess what? The boyfriend unfriended his childhood friend. I see no reason for this other than to keep things secret. Seriously, what “good” reason is there?

Well, today I let go. We chatted and conversation drifted to me wanting to talk to him again. Who knew this would be so difficult. Keep in mind that Christmas is almost here so he could very well be busy. I asked what he was doing for Christmas and he said he was going to his ex’s house for lunch and dinner with his daughter. I asked if I could come with him knowing that the answer would be no. Why not ask? He promptly told me that his ex is not like my ex and that she will not allow someone else over. Red flag!! I’m seriously getting tired of these red flags. As I review what I have typed, I am kicking myself in the ass. Why did I let this continue? Because I am hungry. Sad but true.

I explained to him that I don’t feel important because he doesn’t make time for me anymore. He proceeded to tell me that he wasn’t sure if he had time for a girlfriend because he planned on moving to Texas next year. WTF? Where did this come from?! So I told him that I am used to being a priority which is acceptable for relationships. I also pointed out that either he really does have an asshole for a roommate or is hiding something and that I just can’t put my finger on it. So I left the ball in his hands and guess what? He hasn’t responded.

I know I shouldn’t even be here after all of these red flags but I just hoped, like so many of us do, that there was a reasonable explanation for questionable actions. I cried, I went grocery shopping while listening to SKYND, I went home and ate too much chocolate silk pie. Here I sit wishing I wasn’t so weak. I wish that I was perfectly happy without a man in my life. I honestly wish I didn’t need a partner but my life feels empty without one. I can tell you this….I will NOT be getting on any dating sites because that seems to be where you find the piranhas.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I know I am not alone and I do know that there is a perfect person for me who will treat me just like I need to be treated and will be an open book. I want you readers to know that you are not alone as well. We make bad decisions, we hope for the best in people and stumble through this thing called life. The most important thing I can leave you with today is to get back up and continue moving forward. Love yourself and smile at the beauty in the mirror.