Magic

In the beginning of a relationship I typically experience lust aka magic. There is a strong sexual and mental attraction; I can feel the sparks. But, as readers of my blog will know, it doesn’t last forever-usually not my doing.

Is magic an indicator?

Does magic being present mean the relationship will end?

I don’t think that it is an indicator or signifies a looming end.

But what happens when that magic doesn’t exist or is very minimal?

Gentleman is the entire definition of “gentleman”, hence his “name”. He’s handsome even though his frame is equivalent to a waif. He is chivalrous; he holds doors open for me. He’s gentle; his kisses are sweet, his touch is soft.

I don’t feel the magic and that worries me.

I know my body is attracted to him, my mind is as well. He fits the description of Prince Charming. This man has his life together but was just missing his Queen. He has informed me that he has made the decision to fall in love with me and yet I worry. Will I fall in love too? Will magic develop? We haven’t slept together so I feel the outcome will be a good indicator.

What are you thoughts on magic? Does one continue on in a relationship because everything about him seems perfect? Does magic need to be present?

Romance

So Gentleman and I are still dating. Last Saturday we had a picnic in the cemetery at night and enjoyed looking down on the city of Globe. We shared our first kiss and it was so sweet and gentle. We spent 5 hours together that day.

Last night Gentleman took me to dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant. He held my hand at the table which made me forget that I don’t like being around other people. He’s so sweet. We discussed intimacy and how important it is for a successful relationship. We are on the same page.

As of now, I shall continue on this road with great hopes of it being successful. I just hope that it’s not another failed attempt leading to heartbreak.

Healing

Time heals all wounds, right? I suppose it depends on what that wound is. In my case, it’s the end of the short lived relationship with the Beau. He stated he wants to remain friends yet does not respond to my texts. I don’t know about you but that is not my idea of a friend. I still miss him of course. He pops into my head at random times throughout the day.

I looked to Pinterest for some quote that would put my mind at ease and I found it.

“Why give so much of your time to someone who won’t even call to see if you’re ok?”

That was what I needed. I officially closed that chapter although there are still lingering feelings that are being shooed away. It’s hard to just let them go when they haunt me and that’s exactly what he is…a ghost. A ghost that has taken part of me with him when he disappeared.

I have been talking to a new gentleman to get my mind off of Beau and it does help. This is the “waif” that I referred to in my last post. He has sensed my need for time and is the ever so patient Virgo. We went on one date, dinner, and talked for two hours. We have talked pretty consistently since then. I still don’t feel I am ready for any relationship that doesn’t involve the Beau but I cannot move in that direction. It’s done. He’s gone.

I press on.

Gentleman and I have another date on Saturday. We are going to my favorite cemetery to have a picnic dinner (prepared by me) and to watch the sunset and stargaze. This will be a good opportunity for us to talk in person without distractions. I believe that this date will the determining factor for whether we continue (at a slow pace) or not.

I know it’s not fair for Gentleman to have a part of me while the other part still longs for Beau and I silently apologize to him for this. Maybe someday I will tell him. Until then, I hide my pain and longing while I wait for time to heal my wounds.

Distraction

I went on a date last night with someone I had been talking to for a couple of days. I honestly needed a distraction from missing the Beau. Conversation flowed easily and at a relaxed pace (bonus points: 1). He lives an hour away from me and had no problem driving to my town to meet me (bonus points: 1) When we sat down at our table, I realized how thin this man is. His cheeks were sunken in, his legs (through jeans) were thin, he had no rear end, and his arms were thin as well. He appeared to be thinner than my ex and that’s scary (bonus points: -2). Ever since I have left my ex, I have chosen men that have some meat on them. I didn’t want to date anyone that had his build ever again.

After some conversation, he shared with me that he had periodontal disease and all of his teeth were pulled and he wears dentures. There was a lengthy period of time in which he was only able to consume soups and said he lost about 70 pounds. That loss takes him from the appropriately sized (for his height) man to this waif.

I didn’t feel an attraction for this man physically and that’s hard to know if it’s because of timing or because I have sealed the door shut around my heart. Maybe both.

We talked at that relaxed pace for two hours. Upon leaving the restaurant, we chatted a bit more at his vehicle. It felt a bit awkward but probably again because of timing. I am still recovering from losing the Beau. I may be in denial.

I called it a night and we hugged…no kisses. Timing? Maybe. Kissing a waif? Probably. I can’t picture what he would look like without clothes. Like someone from a concentration camp? I can’t imagine cuddling that small frame. There’s no meat to rest my head on (bonus points: -2).

He’s a really nice guy, he’s 5 years older than me (he looks 10 years older), he has a great job, his own house, and he’s handsome. His eyes make me think of a big cuddly bear. I can see love and caring in those eyes (bonus points: 6).

I was told I keep choosing the wrong guys so when I am looking for distractions, I am swiping right on some that I wouldn’t typically choose. That’s where this man falls in. So what do I do? Should I keep seeing him and allow time to wash away the Beau? Can I move past the waif?

At this time it is too early to tell. I will still swipe left or right and have meaningless conversations with men that I probably won’t meet in person. As time moves on, I will recover (yet again) and continue moving forward. When I get back to my good place, perhaps Prince Charming will enter my life.

Until then, I wait.

Bonus points: 4.

Religious question

I have God in my heart; only God.

I am a witch; I do not worship anyone other than God.

I play with Tarot cards. I burn herbs and candles while meditating on a desired result (seeking clarity, recovering from a breakup, etc).

Divination is wrong according to the bible.

Will I go to Heaven when I die? What are your thoughts…please provide supporting scripture if applicable.

Broken again

So he responded to my email. Here’s what I learned:

  1. I am single again.
  2. I am not “Christian” enough for him.
  3. I have male friends…apparently that’s not a good thing.
  4. Apparently I don’t communicate well.
  5. I expect too much. 50/50 is too much.
  6. I am more jaded than I already was.

He wants to be friends. He thinks we’ll be good friends, in fact. I fired back to each of his reasons why we can no longer be a couple. I did not hold back. I am proud of myself for not only doing so but articulating it well.

So I am sweeping the shattered pieces once again. I know that when I reassemble these pieces that some will be missing. I feel like a part of me will be forever lost each time my heart is broken.

I am so sick of life throwing these promises to me. A promise for a good heart. A promise for a real relationship. A promise to be loved. A promise to feel worth it.

Empty promises.

No, I cannot have it. It must be taken away.

Poor communication

I haven’t heard from him in FIVE DAYS. I’ve sent messages and nothing. I have wracked my brain trying to figure out what happened and whether I did something wrong. I honestly do not think it was me.

As a last ditch effort, I emailed him this morning. He actually responded telling me he didn’t want to interrupt my time with my son. I corrected him and told him that I do not do well with little to no communication and that I am perfectly capable of juggling time with my kids and boyfriend.

Boyfriend doesn’t seem to be the correct word anymore in this case.

I’m so frustrated!! It might be safe to say that I am angry.

It wasn’t too long ago that I was posting about how wonderful he is and how intimate we had become.

What happened?

I do not think this relationship is salvageable unless he can perform miracles.

I’m so tired

I am so tired of being ignored and let down. How can I feel that I am worthy when life continually shows me that I am not? I know I need to find this within myself but I just haven’t been able to find it. Until then I suppose I will continue on this bumpy road that keeps taking sharp turns unexpectedly. I know I deserve better but I CANNOT FIND IT!

A letter to myself

I find it hard to believe that everything can change so quickly. In mere minutes, your life can take a completely different direction. You barely have time to process what happened much less understand why…that is…if you are even afforded that option.

How do you proceed when you are still in shock?

How can life change so quickly and why?

Will you ever get answers?

What does the future hold?

How can you trust that something like this will not happen again?

The answer to all of these is God. Only God knows the direction your life will take and he will be by your side through it all. Even though you may feel alone, remember he is carrying you.

Pray for direction. Pray for guidance. Pray for clarity. Pray for understanding.

Put your heart in God’s hands and let him carry it while it’s broken. When you are ready, he will give it back to you either himself or someone else will do it.

You will survive. You will move past this change. Your heart may be broken but it will heal. Trust in God and his will.

I know how difficult this can be and I assure you that you are loved and you are worth it.

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