Coexist

My ex-in-laws still babysit my 9 year old while I work. I am very thankful for this. However, yesterday E (my daughter) informed me that her grandparents are “homophobic”. I asked how she came to that conclusion and she said there was a commercial on TV for Pride Month and they told her they don’t want her watching that commercial or related ads because it.is.wrong.

Yes, they are hard core Christians.

I flew off the handle.

Trying my hardest to keep my composure, I messaged Mom and told her that those comments need to be kept to themselves. I raised all three of my children to be open minded and to accept all people no matter what color they are, what size they are, where they are from or what choices they make or who they love. I told her this.

Her response was that she wants to make sure God is in her life and that she goes to Heaven when she dies. I explained that both her (and her siblings) and I have our own relationship with God and that we are also open-minded and love all people, unlike them. She said she will *try* to keep her comments to herself. I stated very plainly that if it happens again then my children will not come over to their house.

Grrr!!!! Times are changing, people are changing. Well, a lot of them are changing but not all, unfortunately.

The inability to focus

I’ve wondered for some time if I may be in the family of ADD. I can’t focus on one thing for very long. I always need to keep busy (I don’t know if this qualifies under ADD) and my mind is constantly jumping around. I find that I even eat in this manner. I utilize fidget toys to help but they only go so far. Today is a real struggle. I have an appointment with the doctor next week to see what he thinks. Until then, I will continue to bounce around.

My daughter Cat

Cat is my first daughter. She’s just shy of 18 now and I love the women she has become. She can be quiet or she can be talkative. She walks her own unique path and I love her for it. I have always encouraged my kids to be themselves and to love others no matter what; this includes how people identify.

I left an unhappy marriage after 20 years. This hit Cat (and her sister) pretty hard. I encouraged Cat to come live with me but she didn’t want to be far away from her friends so she stayed with her dad. Dad got remarried and they moved 45 minutes away from me. Again I encouraged Cat to live with me. She wanted to finish her schooling at the elite school she was now eligible to attend.

Cat has become increasingly unhappy as her new dynamic has become much more Christian then it ever was before. She is not allowed to be herself or wear what she wants. Food is scarce so my already thin daughter is down to eating once a day.

Cat made new friends that walk the same path she does and I have seen her flourish. She has been encouraged to be herself and I watch it develop as she ages.

Cat has been spending more and more time with her new friends and the pressure from her dad and stepmom continues to increase. Per her dad, the stepmom is “upset” that Cat doesn’t seem to like them. I reminded him that our children were raised in a household that it open-minded and accepting of all people to include varying religions. He doesn’t seem to see how much he has changed under his new dictatorship.

My ex and his new wife have built a large house with four bedrooms to accommodate both of our shared children and the wife’s nieces when the visit. However, Cat has been pushed out of their nest. Cat feels that nothing about her is accepted or loved by them. This breaks my heart. I continue to encourage her and support her no matter what.

Cat moved in with her best friend and her family. Shannon is her new “mom” and I really like this woman. She’s very similar to me and we even share the same views and hobbies.

I of course continued to offer my home for Cat to live but she declines stating the jobs are very limited in my town and that she doesn’t want to share a room with my boyfriend’s daughter. I feel like excuses have been made but maybe she just isn’t sure about her reasons. Regardless of the reasons, I always offer a place for her; maybe someday she will take me up on it.

Until then, I watch from afar as my sweet girl grows up and finds her way in life. My heart continually breaks for the circumstances around her with her dad and his wife. I wish things could be different but they just weren’t meant to be.

Future

Silver no gold, beauty withhold. Diamonds are bliss, accepted with a kiss. Dreams come true because of you.

I’ve been looking at rings because I’m in a serious relationship. I’ve shown him the styles I like; something vintage with a purple naturally colored stone. I think he has a good grasp of the style. I showed him one that had a diamond and a price tag of $1500 and he was astonished at the price. Honey that’s cheap. Haven’t you heard the saying about rings needing to be worth three month’s income? I digress and perhaps I will buy myself a fancy ring or something else to make me feel worth it.

Miss Bitey’s Musings

Hello everyone. My name is Jungle Jane but my human calls me Miss Bitey. I’m not sure how she came up with that name; I think she said it had something to do with a movie. Whatever.  Human is at work so I decided to highjack her account and post something by myself. I wonder how long it will take her to notice it.

This is my first time writing so bear with me; I might wander off topic if I see something more interesting than the computer.

Yesterday human came home from work with a box in her hand. I didn’t think much of it until I heard little peeps coming out of it. Oh great. More chickens. Doesn’t she have enough? She held the new chickens out for me to sniff and I walked away. She must be crazy. I watched as she cleaned the large container and then put the bright red light on it. She then put the new chickens in the box. The bright light lets me see their shadows on the box so I lay and watch them move around. It’s quite entertaining.

Human was in the kitchen cooking again. It smells good. Hopefully she’ll share with me again. I walked around her, meowing a couple of times, it’s all a show so she will share with me. I really like human food. Especially the meat. When she’s done eating she lays her plate on the floor so I can eat her leftovers. It’s a pattern with us and I don’t mind it. She had eggs tonight. Those are so good.

I think I need a nap now. I think the arm of the couch looks like a good place. Goodnight humans. Meow.

Graduation

I didn’t graduate high school. My then boyfriend was extremely jealous and didn’t want me around other males at all. I dropped out because it was easier than dealing with his issues. I did gather enough courage and knowledge to kick his ass out the door a year later. This was one of the best moves I have made.

I worked hard and got my GED a year later then I would have graduated. I was (and still am) very proud of myself for overcoming so many obstacles in my life. My dad passed away, we moved across the US, I was pregnant and married at 17 followed by a divorce a couple of years after saying “I do”. There was no ceremony or any kind of celebration for my GED.

My first born, that from the ill-fated young wedding, dropped out of high school as well. I was so disappointed and sad for him (and me). He did home schooling for a short period of time and then he was just done with school. I always encourage him to at least get his GED however he works a damn good job making twice what I do so what’s the point?

My middle child was on track to graduate this year and I eagerly looked forward to watching her walk and living vicariously through her. She decided she didn’t want to walk because she doesn’t like being the center of attention. My heart broke but I supported her decision and did not let her know I was upset. She did officially finish high school and for that I am extremely proud.

My youngest is in 4th grade so I have some time before I can watch her walk if she chooses.

I have decided that I will go back to college and finish my degree as soon as I am done paying for my braces; that’s about a year out. I will attend the graduation ceremony and I will wear a gown and a tassel and go up on stage in front of a million people (which I also hate being the center of attention) and accept my diploma.

The countdown begins…

‘Til death do us part

I’m reading a book titled “The Perfect Father” by John Glatt. This is the true story of Chris Watts’ murder of his family. Shanann, Bella, Celeste and Nico all perished by his hands. At this point in time I am not sure what his mental state is purported to be when this happened but I can tell you what I presume and that is sane and guilty as hell!! This book painted the picture of the seemingly perfect marriage and the sunshine that was Shanann.

I have been in a bad marriage and a good marriage. The bad marriage ended with a lot of anger towards my ex but I never would’ve killed him over it. The good marriage ended after 20 years and my ex and I remain amicable. I can honestly say that I am on good terms with any previous relationship. I would never kill any of them.

I can see where an abused spouse/abused child may fantasize about killing the abuser. I suppose I probably would too, that is, fantasize- not commit a crime. My first ex started becoming abusive towards me and I shooed him out the door rather quickly. The second marriage fell apart because I changed and wasn’t happy anymore. I was actually unhappy but not fully aware of why for most of the marriage.

I have a boyfriend now and we’ve been together for a little over a year. Will I get married again? I dream of it. I have a board on Pinterest for it. Will I do it though? I’m not sure. What I do know is that if I do, I will not promise to love until my death. I will promise to take each day as it comes and to do my best. I think this is much more realistic.

What are your thoughts?

Sex is integral

A relationship without sex is what? A friendship? A friendship with kisses, cuddling and hand holding?

My relationship struggles with this. There is no sex at all. His “friend” is dead in the water. My boyfriend is 40, his “friend” should still be alive and thriving. My libido is at its peak and I feel so neglected. Can a relationship survive this?

He’s been taking supplements to bring back his fire (we’ve tried two so far) and there’s nothing.

Silence.

How does this happen? He swears it’s not me but I cannot agree because what man would not want to have sex?

Silence.

Heartbreak.

Disappointment.

Hurt.

I don’t know how long I can ride this out. We’ve spent more time without sex than we have with sex. I would never cheat on him but I would break up with him if it continues.

Oh the possibilities!

Today I went in for a stress test at the cardiologist. I expect it to go well. I’ve had tingling in my left arm and just want to rule out heart problems.

The person who monitored me during this process picked up on my concentration camp tattoo right off the bat. No one else has gotten this without asking. We discussed our mutual likes of music, bands and our kids. He told me he was a drummer…I’ve always been a sucker for a musician.

At the end of my appointment I really wanted to leave him my number. It’s rare to connect with someone you just met.

I wondered what he looks like under that mask. Everything else looked good, even that slight tummy that middle aged men get. My mind wondered…what if….

Too bad I’m not single. I would’ve jumped all over that opportunity.

But is it ok to think like this? Does it mean that I’m unhappy or missing something? Is the grass greener over there? Perhaps. But I will probably never know. But I guarantee that if I do find myself single that I will make an appointment for another stress test!

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